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Coaching Essay by John Trakselis
Everything is Personal
Welcome to my first newsletter. It is fitting that I talk about one of the most important concepts in all of life in this first newsletter; namely, everything is personal. How many times have you heard, or said, "it's not personal, it's business. This line, or a slight variation of it, became popular about 40 years ago when the first Godfather movie was released. With all due respect to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola, this statement is very dangerous to accept.
Welcome to my first newsletter. It is fitting that I talk about one of the most important concepts in all of life in this first newsletter; namely, everything is personal. How many times have you heard, or said, "it's not personal, it's business. This line, or a slight variation of it, became popular about 40 years ago when the first Godfather movie was released. With all due respect to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola, this statement is very dangerous to accept.
Did you ever get mad at someone in your organization for what they said or did (or most likely failed to do)? Was that anger a business response or a personal response? Obviously, since your response came from you and not from a business, it was a personal response. Humans have feelings, some conscious, some not so conscious. Ginger Lapis-Bogda, in her book BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN EVERYONE YOU COACH defines reactivity as: "...responding both immediately and hastily, without making a conscious choice to behave in this manner." Who responded, you or your business persona? You did, of course.
Over the last 20 years the concept of emotional intelligence has received a good deal of attention as part of leadership training. Emotional intelligence involves awareness--about yourself and about others. To the extent that we are in denial that everything is personal we are sabotaging our awareness. We are in denial. Someone who is angry is not aware they are angry because they are operating under the illusion that it's just business. They are deceiving and misleading themselves. What a concept! Lying to ourselves by being in denial. Of course, you can't really be in denial when you are aware.
Over the last 20 years the concept of emotional intelligence has received a good deal of attention as part of leadership training. Emotional intelligence involves awareness--about yourself and about others. To the extent that we are in denial that everything is personal we are sabotaging our awareness. We are in denial. Someone who is angry is not aware they are angry because they are operating under the illusion that it's just business. They are deceiving and misleading themselves. What a concept! Lying to ourselves by being in denial. Of course, you can't really be in denial when you are aware.
I maintain that operating under the illusion that it's just business will inhibit your ability to be effective in business. Too much energy is being wasted by being in denial, even to the extent that we cannot devote enough energy to more productive endeavors. It is like trying to swim with an anchor tied to our neck. At first, it is not too heavy but over time it starts to become heavier. Eventually, it can become hard to keep our head above water.
From another perspective, consider the definition of consciousness advanced by Fred Kofman in CONSCIOUS BUSINESS. He states that consciousness consists of 2 elements: awareness and choice. How can you choose properly if you are not aware? How can you choose properly if you are in denial or resist your emotional state? The answer is that you can't. You simply react. Stimulus + Response= Reaction.
In summary, I offer the following suggestions:
In summary, I offer the following suggestions:
- Resist the temptation to say: "It's not personal, it's just business."
- Take time to be aware of your feelings which are personal to you.
- Won you feelings with a declaration such as "I am angry" or "I fear that."
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings with someone who will listen.
Let me know if this is working for you or not. For some this will be a big move and for others this will be a really, really big move. Rest assured, it's all part of being more human, which is a good thing. Remember: businesses are run by persons, not robots.
I intend to write these newsletters from my own vantage point based on my years of experience as a consultant, corporate executive and now as a business coach. However, I realize that I have been exposed to the ideas of many great thinkers over the years. I will try my to give attribution whenever I become aware that such attribution is appropriate and proper but alas, I will have some omissions. Kindly bring those to my attention so that I can give respect to those who have preceded me.
